Don't wanna talk just wanna write!

I don't wanna talk I just wanna write. So if you have a comment please write it on my blog or keep it to yourself.
Not trying to be rude, but I am in a relationship crisis, and just need to vent. Not asking for advice, don't need any advice I just need to get some stuff off my chest.

I have been in this relationship for the last 6 years. I went from marriage to basically living with someone within the first year after my divorce. I love him so, he is everything I am attracted to. I still get the thump thumps in my heart when I am away and see him. He is a great father, he tries to be a friend and role model to my other kids. But that is just the thing my KIDS! I had 4 kids with my ex and have been in allot of crap with them and my ex my entire relationship with Scot. at the same time Scot has dealt with allot of crap from my older son total disrespect. Now he has decided that my luggage is to much, and so I understand I have always told him that if he cant hang I would understand, but I have always hoped that our love was stronger than that, but I guess not. even if he stays he will bitch about everything and that will cause a break up and for us to hate each other when if I just move out we could try to still be together for our Daughters sake anyways.

Just sucks to share your life with someone and that someone just give up on you like you were a bad habit that needed to be stopped. He has 2 other kids from 2 other women, and yes they are both 18,but they weren't always I have also dealt with the disrespect and luggage and I have accepted it 100%. Oh well what can you do. Guess I vented not sure it helped but I have work to do so I must go.

Today my Son is 16. I cant believe that my baby is already 16, it seems like yesterday he was just born, or learning to walk and talk. Now he is learning the do's and donts when it comes to girls.


As you all have read my Son and I have been on the outs lately, he has been extremely RUDE to me since before Mother's Day, but of course he has shown his face at this time because its his birthday, and of course he wants money. Hey all kids go through stages, but man it really sucks when its your kid going through it, that is hard.

Him and my other Son stayed with my Mom last night which was really nice that I had the night off. I decided that I was going to celebrate the birth of my 16 year old, I mean HELLO I am the one that had to give birth to that beast of a child weighing a whooping 9lbs 15oz, 23 inch's long. I should be the one that receives the gifts. Anyways I had 4 glasses of wine and boy it was sooo good! I woke up this morning with a headache from hell, but it was all worth it.

I guess tonight we will be taking My Son to the artichoke cafe because that's his all time fav, and later I will give him his gift of $350.00, which me and my family were able to scrounge up for him, but damn I wish I could give him like half of that and keep the rest for myself, but I don't think that will fly because my Mom and Dad know just how much was given. Besides that's just mean, but I'm broke. Would it be mean to pay for Dinner with his bday money. Slap my hand, I guess I better behave. Peace out peeps!!!!

I need a Genie in a bottle!

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired! Today is payday and I am very stressed, once again my check is not enough to pay my rent. I am so tired of worrying about things why can't I just go to work, pay my bills and enjoy my family life?????


I feel bad for Scot because he is out of work which is the main part of why we are so broke, but he is disabled and is unable to work at this point. He goes to a specialist on Monday and I hope they decide to do the surgery ASAP so he can either get on SSI or go back to work. I know he is feeling like he is worthless right now, and I don't want him to feel that way because he helped me while I was out of work and in school. Now I feel like it is my turn to help him, but I just don't have the mends.

Now we have another mouth to feed, and I just feel like I'm getting NO WHERE FAST! GRRR so frustrated! The thing that makes me so upset is that I have a very wealthy family, and when I ask for help which is hardly ever, I get turned down. Now if one of my cousins ask for help or need a new car they get it with no questions asked, they all drive new high end cars and I drive a falling apart jeep that is running on its last leg, and to top that off its not even mine its Scot's.

I have just excepted God into life, and my Mom keeps telling me that my life will get better. I just wish I would go to bed with a shitty life and wake up with a better life. I'm not saying I'm not blessed, because I am very much so when it comes in the form love, there is plenty of love between my kids and I and Scot. I know life comes with struggles, and I have accepted that, but will I ever get a break. I just decided that I am going to find that second job, but I already feel overwhelmed as it is. Scot is refusing for me to get that second job, but I have no other option my credit cards are maxed out, I don't have the money to add a loan bill. I just don't know what to do! I wish I had a magic lamp to rub and make my 3 wishes, but I don't and I will never have one so I need to figure out a new plan.

It is so hard to work and concentrate on my job when all I can do is worry about if I am going to have a house for kids to live in. At the rate its going now I will be homeless in no time. I guess I Should not say that! Now I am not sure if I am going to be able to go to church on Saturday with my friend because I don't have the gas to get there. How sad is that I cant even go to church because I don't have money for gas. I swear this is bad and it seems to be getting worse.HELP!!!!!!

The Past

As I Sit here and think about my life and all my past blessings and my mistakes, I realized how blessed I am to have my 5 loving children. I know they can be a hand full at times, but they are the best blessing I could get. Other than life of course!


I had my kids when I was young, REALLY YOUNG! When I was with my ex we had our 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl. My ex was a truck driver for the majority of the time and was away. I had to care for all 4 kids on my own, and it was hard really hard! At times I felt like I was going lose it. He would give me an allowance of 20 bucks a week and I was expected to feed the kids and buy diapers and what ever else they needed which was hard. I had to come up with a game plan that would benefit my children in every way I could. I bought foods that would fill them up and that I could make a couple different dishes out of them, I potty trained all the kids early, and I accepted all the hand outs that my family offered, did this make me feel good NO! I felt like I failed at being the best parent I could possibly be. Therefore I went into a deep depression, at that point I stayed in bed I stopped going and taking my kids to their sporting events, and my Mom had to move in with us to help me care for the kids. Thank God for my Mom!!!

While I was in depression mode, my ex's abuse towards me got worse, at one point I was admitted into the hospital for a severe concussion, hematoma on my brain, and along with 2 broken ribs. My life was in major term-oil. I felt like I was screaming and know one could hear or they just didn't care to hear. I woke up one morning and I packed my stuff along with my kids and their stuff and left I walked out of the only life I knew I was 26 years old with no education other than my GED and no work experience. I had no where to go other than my little brothers house which was no place for kids, but he dealt with it he cleaned up his act for the kids, I got a job at sonic and managed to find a friend that would share an apartment with me. I then found a job as cocktail waitress at a local dive. I made really good money in tips I was doing good as was the kids. We were happy other than the occasional days when my ex would come and harass us. But we were good.Life was great!

Then I get the divorce papers which I filed for. Well that opened a new can of worms with my ex. He started harassing me on an everyday basis, he would follow me around, he would come to my work and wait for me to get off. At one point he cut the brake lines on my car. One week before our court hearing for the divorce, my ex decided he wanted to be with me and went out and bought me a new mini van in all hope he could buy my love, well that did not work. I was done I needed away from him forever.

You all are probably wondering why I am writing this blog well here it is as I have posted in my last 2 blogs my son has come to live with us and is full of questions about why me and his Dad got divorced, and why his Dad says the things about me that he does. So dealing with this I figured I would write about it and see if getting some of this off my chest will help me feel better. So far it has not! Oh well God will help me through it!

My Life Change!

Life changes are always interesting! As you all have read in my last post I just got full custody of my soon to be 14 year old son this last week, and I started to think I am going to do the whole make your kid to busy to get in trouble plan, but as I was getting ready for bed last night I started to think " you know my Parents did that to me, and I still found a way to get myself into trouble". So I decided why not get him interested in church, they have so many things to keep him busy. It worked for my older son, and he now is a youth counselor. So anyways I started to think why not change my own life, and get involved. How can I expect my son to want to change and do something positive if I'm not. So I made a plan that My son, daughter, and myself will meet my friend and her little boy at the church and start from there.


I started to read all the past sermons, so when I start on Saturday I will be up to spend on whats going on. To kind of change the subject a little the week that I got the call to go and pick up my son I had started reading Billy Graham's book Storm Warning, and it really opened my eyes to what is going on around me.It seems like once I picked that book things started happening around me, like for instance I got my son back. I don't want to say I don't believe, because I do very much so, but I don't practice. Its not that I live a bad life and do bad things I just don't read the bible or go to church like I should. I do pray but its not an every day thing and I don't make my kids pray. I had started making my youngest child say her prayers at night but as with all things I start, it only lasted about a week and I never made her continue.

I have been talking to my mom allot lately about religion, because she is a religious woman and I know she could help guide me in the right direction. I have finally put my foot down I want change for my life, for kids life. I wanna to fill a positive in my life instead of the negative that is constantly following me around every where I go. I want peace in my life I wanna feel happiness in my soul. I want to feel what others around me are feeling. I think I have finally grown up.

My Little Man!!!

Well my Jacob is now living with us, and we are loving it! It is so awesome to wake up in the middle of the night and walk by his room and see him sleeping in his bed. Him and I have always been really close he is my little man, my book worm, my one kid that is passionate about everything he does. We have been apart for sometime now, and when I got that call from his Dad on Thursday evening to come and pick him up I hauled butt down there and swooped him up as fast as I could. I was not going to make him go through the stress he had dealt with from his father and stepmother any more. He is home and that's all that matters he is with his Mom, step dad, and baby sister.

Jacob has been eating so much, and it is so nice knowing that his tummy is full, and he is well rested. Jacob has gone through many hardships in his life, and he has actually became a Strong, smart, and independent young man, and for this I am proud! He will be 14 on July 20Th and I am planning a big party for him so he can see all the family he has that cares, and has missed him while he has been away. I will be inviting all my family even the ones I have not seen in awhile just so he can see what kind of family he comes from. Jacob has always been my one child that needs that extra TLC, he is a very loving child and like lots of love and affection.

Last night I was sitting on the couch watching a TV program, when Jacob came a set next to me and put my are around him, and he said Mom I love you, do you remember when I was young and we would sit like this and watch Harry Potter, he also said that he misses doing those things with me. so I promised him that we would do those things again. Later that night he asked me if I would play mortal combat with him and I said yes so we played for about three hours till it was time for bed, but it was nice just looking over at him and he was sitting there with a grin from ear to ear. I'm loving this!!!!