Don't wanna talk just wanna write!

I don't wanna talk I just wanna write. So if you have a comment please write it on my blog or keep it to yourself.
Not trying to be rude, but I am in a relationship crisis, and just need to vent. Not asking for advice, don't need any advice I just need to get some stuff off my chest.

I have been in this relationship for the last 6 years. I went from marriage to basically living with someone within the first year after my divorce. I love him so, he is everything I am attracted to. I still get the thump thumps in my heart when I am away and see him. He is a great father, he tries to be a friend and role model to my other kids. But that is just the thing my KIDS! I had 4 kids with my ex and have been in allot of crap with them and my ex my entire relationship with Scot. at the same time Scot has dealt with allot of crap from my older son total disrespect. Now he has decided that my luggage is to much, and so I understand I have always told him that if he cant hang I would understand, but I have always hoped that our love was stronger than that, but I guess not. even if he stays he will bitch about everything and that will cause a break up and for us to hate each other when if I just move out we could try to still be together for our Daughters sake anyways.

Just sucks to share your life with someone and that someone just give up on you like you were a bad habit that needed to be stopped. He has 2 other kids from 2 other women, and yes they are both 18,but they weren't always I have also dealt with the disrespect and luggage and I have accepted it 100%. Oh well what can you do. Guess I vented not sure it helped but I have work to do so I must go.

Today my Son is 16. I cant believe that my baby is already 16, it seems like yesterday he was just born, or learning to walk and talk. Now he is learning the do's and donts when it comes to girls.


As you all have read my Son and I have been on the outs lately, he has been extremely RUDE to me since before Mother's Day, but of course he has shown his face at this time because its his birthday, and of course he wants money. Hey all kids go through stages, but man it really sucks when its your kid going through it, that is hard.

Him and my other Son stayed with my Mom last night which was really nice that I had the night off. I decided that I was going to celebrate the birth of my 16 year old, I mean HELLO I am the one that had to give birth to that beast of a child weighing a whooping 9lbs 15oz, 23 inch's long. I should be the one that receives the gifts. Anyways I had 4 glasses of wine and boy it was sooo good! I woke up this morning with a headache from hell, but it was all worth it.

I guess tonight we will be taking My Son to the artichoke cafe because that's his all time fav, and later I will give him his gift of $350.00, which me and my family were able to scrounge up for him, but damn I wish I could give him like half of that and keep the rest for myself, but I don't think that will fly because my Mom and Dad know just how much was given. Besides that's just mean, but I'm broke. Would it be mean to pay for Dinner with his bday money. Slap my hand, I guess I better behave. Peace out peeps!!!!

I need a Genie in a bottle!

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired! Today is payday and I am very stressed, once again my check is not enough to pay my rent. I am so tired of worrying about things why can't I just go to work, pay my bills and enjoy my family life?????


I feel bad for Scot because he is out of work which is the main part of why we are so broke, but he is disabled and is unable to work at this point. He goes to a specialist on Monday and I hope they decide to do the surgery ASAP so he can either get on SSI or go back to work. I know he is feeling like he is worthless right now, and I don't want him to feel that way because he helped me while I was out of work and in school. Now I feel like it is my turn to help him, but I just don't have the mends.

Now we have another mouth to feed, and I just feel like I'm getting NO WHERE FAST! GRRR so frustrated! The thing that makes me so upset is that I have a very wealthy family, and when I ask for help which is hardly ever, I get turned down. Now if one of my cousins ask for help or need a new car they get it with no questions asked, they all drive new high end cars and I drive a falling apart jeep that is running on its last leg, and to top that off its not even mine its Scot's.

I have just excepted God into life, and my Mom keeps telling me that my life will get better. I just wish I would go to bed with a shitty life and wake up with a better life. I'm not saying I'm not blessed, because I am very much so when it comes in the form love, there is plenty of love between my kids and I and Scot. I know life comes with struggles, and I have accepted that, but will I ever get a break. I just decided that I am going to find that second job, but I already feel overwhelmed as it is. Scot is refusing for me to get that second job, but I have no other option my credit cards are maxed out, I don't have the money to add a loan bill. I just don't know what to do! I wish I had a magic lamp to rub and make my 3 wishes, but I don't and I will never have one so I need to figure out a new plan.

It is so hard to work and concentrate on my job when all I can do is worry about if I am going to have a house for kids to live in. At the rate its going now I will be homeless in no time. I guess I Should not say that! Now I am not sure if I am going to be able to go to church on Saturday with my friend because I don't have the gas to get there. How sad is that I cant even go to church because I don't have money for gas. I swear this is bad and it seems to be getting worse.HELP!!!!!!

The Past

As I Sit here and think about my life and all my past blessings and my mistakes, I realized how blessed I am to have my 5 loving children. I know they can be a hand full at times, but they are the best blessing I could get. Other than life of course!


I had my kids when I was young, REALLY YOUNG! When I was with my ex we had our 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl. My ex was a truck driver for the majority of the time and was away. I had to care for all 4 kids on my own, and it was hard really hard! At times I felt like I was going lose it. He would give me an allowance of 20 bucks a week and I was expected to feed the kids and buy diapers and what ever else they needed which was hard. I had to come up with a game plan that would benefit my children in every way I could. I bought foods that would fill them up and that I could make a couple different dishes out of them, I potty trained all the kids early, and I accepted all the hand outs that my family offered, did this make me feel good NO! I felt like I failed at being the best parent I could possibly be. Therefore I went into a deep depression, at that point I stayed in bed I stopped going and taking my kids to their sporting events, and my Mom had to move in with us to help me care for the kids. Thank God for my Mom!!!

While I was in depression mode, my ex's abuse towards me got worse, at one point I was admitted into the hospital for a severe concussion, hematoma on my brain, and along with 2 broken ribs. My life was in major term-oil. I felt like I was screaming and know one could hear or they just didn't care to hear. I woke up one morning and I packed my stuff along with my kids and their stuff and left I walked out of the only life I knew I was 26 years old with no education other than my GED and no work experience. I had no where to go other than my little brothers house which was no place for kids, but he dealt with it he cleaned up his act for the kids, I got a job at sonic and managed to find a friend that would share an apartment with me. I then found a job as cocktail waitress at a local dive. I made really good money in tips I was doing good as was the kids. We were happy other than the occasional days when my ex would come and harass us. But we were good.Life was great!

Then I get the divorce papers which I filed for. Well that opened a new can of worms with my ex. He started harassing me on an everyday basis, he would follow me around, he would come to my work and wait for me to get off. At one point he cut the brake lines on my car. One week before our court hearing for the divorce, my ex decided he wanted to be with me and went out and bought me a new mini van in all hope he could buy my love, well that did not work. I was done I needed away from him forever.

You all are probably wondering why I am writing this blog well here it is as I have posted in my last 2 blogs my son has come to live with us and is full of questions about why me and his Dad got divorced, and why his Dad says the things about me that he does. So dealing with this I figured I would write about it and see if getting some of this off my chest will help me feel better. So far it has not! Oh well God will help me through it!

My Life Change!

Life changes are always interesting! As you all have read in my last post I just got full custody of my soon to be 14 year old son this last week, and I started to think I am going to do the whole make your kid to busy to get in trouble plan, but as I was getting ready for bed last night I started to think " you know my Parents did that to me, and I still found a way to get myself into trouble". So I decided why not get him interested in church, they have so many things to keep him busy. It worked for my older son, and he now is a youth counselor. So anyways I started to think why not change my own life, and get involved. How can I expect my son to want to change and do something positive if I'm not. So I made a plan that My son, daughter, and myself will meet my friend and her little boy at the church and start from there.


I started to read all the past sermons, so when I start on Saturday I will be up to spend on whats going on. To kind of change the subject a little the week that I got the call to go and pick up my son I had started reading Billy Graham's book Storm Warning, and it really opened my eyes to what is going on around me.It seems like once I picked that book things started happening around me, like for instance I got my son back. I don't want to say I don't believe, because I do very much so, but I don't practice. Its not that I live a bad life and do bad things I just don't read the bible or go to church like I should. I do pray but its not an every day thing and I don't make my kids pray. I had started making my youngest child say her prayers at night but as with all things I start, it only lasted about a week and I never made her continue.

I have been talking to my mom allot lately about religion, because she is a religious woman and I know she could help guide me in the right direction. I have finally put my foot down I want change for my life, for kids life. I wanna to fill a positive in my life instead of the negative that is constantly following me around every where I go. I want peace in my life I wanna feel happiness in my soul. I want to feel what others around me are feeling. I think I have finally grown up.

My Little Man!!!

Well my Jacob is now living with us, and we are loving it! It is so awesome to wake up in the middle of the night and walk by his room and see him sleeping in his bed. Him and I have always been really close he is my little man, my book worm, my one kid that is passionate about everything he does. We have been apart for sometime now, and when I got that call from his Dad on Thursday evening to come and pick him up I hauled butt down there and swooped him up as fast as I could. I was not going to make him go through the stress he had dealt with from his father and stepmother any more. He is home and that's all that matters he is with his Mom, step dad, and baby sister.

Jacob has been eating so much, and it is so nice knowing that his tummy is full, and he is well rested. Jacob has gone through many hardships in his life, and he has actually became a Strong, smart, and independent young man, and for this I am proud! He will be 14 on July 20Th and I am planning a big party for him so he can see all the family he has that cares, and has missed him while he has been away. I will be inviting all my family even the ones I have not seen in awhile just so he can see what kind of family he comes from. Jacob has always been my one child that needs that extra TLC, he is a very loving child and like lots of love and affection.

Last night I was sitting on the couch watching a TV program, when Jacob came a set next to me and put my are around him, and he said Mom I love you, do you remember when I was young and we would sit like this and watch Harry Potter, he also said that he misses doing those things with me. so I promised him that we would do those things again. Later that night he asked me if I would play mortal combat with him and I said yes so we played for about three hours till it was time for bed, but it was nice just looking over at him and he was sitting there with a grin from ear to ear. I'm loving this!!!!

Shoes

So I went through my closet last night looking for one certain pair of shoes, just one! I come out of there with 56 pairs. 56 pairs can you believe it. I was in pure shock, well not really, but I think Scot was. I had to tell him I couldn't believe that I found that many shoes in my closet, and most of them are in the boxes never touched. They were just so dusty, but here is the go getter when I opened them they all had the receipts in them. So Scot gave me orders, (so he thinks that he gave me orders, and I just let him think that sometimes, makes him feel like a big Strong man), that I was to go through the shoes and pick ONLY the ones I will wear, yeah OK like I'm actually going to depart with my shoes, so what if I don't wear them now at some point I will need them and they will be there waiting for me, waiting for the time when I will place my foot in them and march off happily! He He that sounds funny like I have some weird love affair with my damn shoes. Maybe I do, maybe that's why I buy so many pairs "I'll never tell" anyhow I guess what I'm trying to say is what the hell was I thinking buying all those shoes. Guess I'm some kind of hoarder. Lets see I'm already OCD so why not add hoarding to the mix.

Ignorance

Ignorance

I have went my whole life knowing some of the most ignorant people. It never really seemed to bother me before, but the older I get the more and more bugged I get with people. My boyfriend tells me that I just don't like people at all, and that he thinks I was suppose to be some mythical creature of some sort whatever that means, not sure if he means that in a bad way or not. Anyways who cares exactly what he means. OK back to the whole ignorance thing. So I went to the store last night and I was paying for my items and I had given the girl $10.40 and my cost was $6.40 well she puts my money in the drawer and tells me to have a nice day, and I asked are you going to give me my change and explained I gave her $10.40 and she owes my change. She looks at me funny and says "remember you gave me exact change I watched count out the 40 cents", and I said yes you did but I gave you a ten dollar bill. So she has to go get her supervisor because she can't  get the drawer open to give me my 4 bucks. Finally the supervisor gets there and opens the drawer, and the girl then proceeds to pull out the calculator.GRRR what the hell I tell her 10-6=4, and you know what the idiot has to say OK let my check with the supervisor to make sure that is right. I went in for 1 item and spent over 40 minutes in the line because she was so stupid she couldn't even hold up 10 fingers and take away six of those fingers to see what she got, I mean  DAMN my 4yr old can do that. I tell ya, this is New Mexico!!!!

Payday!!!

OK what can I say! Not to much actually other than I get paid today!YAY!!! HeHe it sounds like I'm trying to make a rhyme, but I'm not just me crazy mind and the way it works! Anyways I get to cash my check and go pay bills and by tomorrow I will be flat broke again. I really hate this feeling. I feel like I'm getting know where and fast!

So Scot drove me to work today, and usually I get very happy because I do not have to walk the hill of death to and from the parking garage, but all I could think about was shit here goes all the gas in my tank . I know how stupid why worry about it, but damn I have never been this broke before. So I'm sitting there completely bugged because Scot decided to go the long way to avoid traffic on the freeway due to an accident, and all I can do is gaze at him like I wanna slap him up side the head. I'm thinking in my head what an idiot you know we have no money and hardly any gas and your wasting it. so by the time I get to work I am completely pissed off, he asks me what is the matter and I totally flip out, and go off on him. Then he explains why he did what he did which completely made sense! So now I'm looking like the IDIOT, and I'm even more bugged!Grr WHATEVER!

Then to top my morning off!!! I get into the office, and one of the girls starts in on are you going to buy a baby gift for one of the girls in our office! Here is the go getter the last two damn days I have been telling her I Have NO money and will not be participating in this. So she asks again this morning, Its like HELLO are you serious your asking me this, so I tell her I will but only because my Mom bought a gift for me to give her. But still sometimes I think some people are so brain dead!!! Just irritates me that people just do not listen at all. I guess people in this world are just self absorbed FREAKS, and don't care about any body's feelings, oh well I could go on and on how I hate people and they suck but I really need to start working now! Peace out to all the people who have half a brain!

My Life as of now!

Have you every just sat back and asked what the hell! Well I have been for the last 4 months, my life has been in a downward spiral, and it seems to be tumbling faster and faster. I feel like I’m screaming, and NO one hears me!

I just got a new job now in January, and I should be so damn excited, I mean I am don’t get me wrong, but at the same time they took my boyfriend out of work due to a motorcycle accident he was in years ago that left him some what disabled, and now he is at the point where is body is saying “ok enough I can’t hang it’s time to chill”. For anyone who knows Scot he is a work~a~holic so this has been really hard on him, he has been on his own since he was 17, and now he is relying on his girlfriend to pay the bills and be the primary bread winner well that’s hard for him, and I’m sure it is that’s what the man is suppose to do support his family. Anyway’s he is not and it’s driving him nuts there for he makes sure to drive me nuts.

Now it has really hit us we are completely BROKE, BROKE I tell ya, and it sucks! Our bank is completely empty for the first time in years, actually this is the first time since I have been with Scot that we have ever really been broke, and let me tell you it is not fun. I feel like I did when I was with my ex living on 20 bucks a week with 4 kids. But that is neither here nor there so we won’t bring up the dreaded devil ex!

Now Scot feels that he needs to jump out and get a job and not just a job the first job that is available no matter what it may be! What scares me the most is that he was told by the Dr that until he has the Hip replacement his leg is completely unstable and he can do more damage to it, and offered him SSI. Well if you now the process of getting on SSI it’s not easy, it is actually a big pain in the butt and you don’t receive enough to really live on. So I’m trying to keep Scot thinking positive and I keep re-ensuring him that everything is going to be ok, but I don’t think it is. We now have $2 to our name because we had to give Scot’s son $5 for his lunch. Ok now as I was driving to work this morning I’m thinking ok I have 1 day till payday but is my check going to cover the bills we have already eliminated 2 cell phone bills which was Scot’s and his oldest son’s Evan’s, and kept mine on because we do not have a land line, but with my child support being taken out of my check ‘long story will explain later’ my check is hardly anything. Grrrrr will it ever end? Will it ever get easy? I don’t know all I know is I need a day at the spa, oh yeah wait I’m poor so that’s out of the question. Oh well I’m sure something good is bound to happen sooner or later. RIGHT!!!!

Lay the F off!!!

I REALLY REALLY hate people who try to babysit me while I'm at work. Do your own damn job, and mind your own business. I mean honestly we answer phones for living, is that so hard!!! If I am not on a call maybe I'm doing something else! Are you that bored with your life you feel the need to watch mine? Or is it that your not doing your own damn job, and paying attention to mine I have one thing to say to you LAY THE F OFF!!! Thank you and have a goodnight!!!

The End!!!!

Hell I say Hell Part II

Ok so I'm not a bugged anymore, but as I posted my last blog one of my coworkers asked me "Hey they have a McDonalds Rap"! Why yes, Laura they do. So I figured I would post the lyrics for her... and it goes a little something like this~~~~


~~I need a double cheese burger and hold the lettuce
Don’t be frontin son — no seeds on the bun
We be up in this drive through order for twoI gots a cravin’ fo’ a numba nine like my shoe
We need some chicken up in here, in this hizzleFor rizzle my mizzle, extra salt on da frizzle
Doctor pepper my brothah, another for ya mothaDouble-double supah size and don’t forget the fries~~~ Hope this clears it up for ya Laura!!!!

HELL I SAY HELL!!!!

Well it's Monday, and I am back at this dreaded hell I call work. I actually like my job I just don't like a few of the people that I work with, who's name's I will not say! I hate complainers and people who think they just know everything.As you can prob tell it's only 11:20 am and I am already bitching! Well damn they pissed me off, and I have to vent RIGHT!. So here it is, I feel if you don't like your job get a new one, or do something about it, why make all the other people suffer because you made bad decisions in your life and you are nearly forty and sixty and your stuck with know where to go. It's just like those people who are close to retirement and they are working the drive-thru at McDonald's, OK, you shit your life away and now your just about to retire from a fast food drive-thru. Why would you waste your life away like that. I know I want my grand kids to say hey my grandma had this awesome job, not hey my grandma can sing the whole McDonald's Rap, I mean hello get a life. Anyways I guess my point is don't bitch to me because your old and under paid. It's a little to late!!!! Oh and by the way I don't work for McDonald's, just in case you were wondering.

What exactly is it???

I seem to ask myself this question allot lately "What exactly is it"? What exactly is WHAT!!! Grr I don't know and this is driving me nuts. I have so many questions with no answers, and the sad part of all of this is what if my kids ask me questions and I can't give them any answers! For example my 4 year old had her well child check yesterday, and they told us that her speech problem may be because she cant hear out of her right ear, and so she comes to me last night and asks why her ear does not work and really I did not have an answer, or at least one that was the truth. I did what every mother does and tries to comfort her child and make everything in their mind right, but really is this OK should we send our kids off with just a version of the truth so they don't get scared. Or should be straight forward with them and say hey you may be deaf in one ear, and oh by the way when you go see your Dr next week to get your toes and fingers painted while your asleep they are going to insert tubes in your ears and possibly an internal hearing aid that you will have the rest of your life. by the way you may be a little confused my 4 year old is having tubes placed in her ears and we told her that she was going to take a long nap and get her toe nails and finger nails painted. So know that we have that all cleared up, I have another question what if my daughter is deaf how will our life be? Will she live a normal life, will she have to be in special Ed, they did a IQ test and the Dr said she is highly intelligent and he don't want her in special Ed, but will schools put her there for a having a disability? WHO KNOWS, I sure don't!!!!

~PAIN~

Every day starts with a crack How much I loathe my awful back!
It hurts when walking, driving, sleeping I'm tired of hurting, aching, weeping don't like pills or smelly lotion's don't believe in magic potions Instead I stretch and exercise But my back won't compromise!!!!!!!

ADDICTION

I hate addiction, my entire life I have had to deal with someone in my life that is so weak that they let something take ahold of them so hard that they give up everything for that drug, that drink, or money!

How can you have such a craving for something that is going to make you sick, I understand the high feeling, but what about the sick feeling that comes with it, what about the feeling of regret. Why would you wanna feel like that?

I do not feel sorry for any of these people. The only people I feel sorry for is the ones that they have hurt in thier path of destruction. Why would I take their feelings into consideration, were they taking our feelings into consideration when they were out doing thier thing, while we were sitting at home worring. Or when we were feeling thier punches in the side of our heads because we said the wrong things. No I will never feel sorry for them, nor will I want them to feel sorry for me if I ever decided to become a freak, beacuse that is what they are FREAKS!



I hate when addiction is called a disease, because its not it is a decision, and I do not care what anybody says. People with cancer do not get to chose if they get get sick to me this is a disease, your not asking for it your just struck with it. So why is it fair to say addiction is a disease. I understand that alot of the time people are self medicating themselves, but REALLY, goto the damn Dr's get the proper medication to help you feel better. Oh and I hate those people who say they can not afford to goto the Dr's, but oh boy oh howdy they sure can afford drugs and alcohol, and thats pretty pricey. WAKE THE F*#@k Up!!!



Being lied to is not a pleasant thing.Trusting in words that never come true.The deep hurtful pain it always brings.Not being able put my trust in you.
Words were never meant to be spokenNever meant to be carelessly hurled out.Promises made should never be broken.Do you comprehend what I am talking about?
I really hate being lied to!
Copyright 2008Pastor Reginald Levi Walker

Women????

Women! Do they make any sense at all? That's a big fat NO!!! I work in the office with 4 other women, and no one is ever satisfied! If one of us do better than the other there is always that one that gets mad.


Take today, we got some scores back and the two women that think thier (excuss my french) shit dont stink got the lowest score's. Now they are complaining that, that must be wrong. When in all reality we should all sit back and be proud of ourselves for the over all scores, I think we all did really good. We did good as a team and deserve a pat on all our backs! The two girls that sit right next to me have became really good friends of mind, and I consider them my friends even outside of work. Laura is younger she is in Nursing school, and is working her butt off trying to get through work and school. I find myself trying to help her while at work with phones or other duties when she is trying to study for big upcoming test, I want her to succeed with her nursing carrer, sometimes I look at her life and I think wait a minute that is the life I was suppose to have, I think of her as my little sister and I want her to have the world hanging by a string. I tell her all the time she should become and Dr she has the brains and the drive to do it, Or she should just be a lawyer beacuse she is so strong minded and boy can she argue but that is what makes her who she is. Cristina is one of the strongest women I know she has been through so much in her life, but she always has a smile on her face and a good attitude. Whatever is thrown her way she handles it and comes out on top. She is a cancer survivor and she goes on with her life as if she never went through all her hardships, If I had to pick someone to want to be like it would be Cristina, she is a stronge woman, If she has a want or a desire she goes for it, and makes sure she gets whatever it is she needs or wants. Both of these girls are awsome and I truely love them both.I consider them both my little sisters.
As for the other two woman, I'm not sure if they like to be miserable, or if their lifes are as bad as the seem to make them. They are both from the same small town that I was born and raised in, and people there seem to think differently than others. I don't know if this is the reason they are so hard to deal with. One of the girls is closer to my age, and we have kids that goto school together. I try sooo hard to be friends with her, I wait for her every morning before going into the office, but there is those times where for some reason she feels she is the boss and we all must do as she says, which ok if she was my boss I would but she is not so it makes it really hard to take her serious, I have gotten to the point I agree with her just to make her happy but in the long run it is driving me nuts. If I try to bring this up to her, I am always wrong and she is right so I let it go, and it never gets resolved. The other woman is older, she is in her late 5o's and is completely stuck in her ways. She complains about everything! She is always on the phone taking care of her personal life. She was confronted at one point by us but denied everything. Her main thing was she is going to blow us out of the water with her scores but in all reality the two girls that have been here the less amount time blew the two that have been here the longest out of the water

I guess this is one of those life lessons of what goes around comes around. I just wish that those two would try to ease back, calm down and take the day as it comes. This is not a competetion, we are all just here to get a pay check. I guess this is why people say they goto to work to work not make friends. I am just glad that even there is all this bullshit going on in this office, I made two wonderful friends and I know we will be life long friends.

~Love ya, Laura and Cristina~

~My New Dilemma~

I got a call from my Dr last night, and I have mixed feelings on how I should feel. Am I scared, should I be? Am I scared of the surgery, or is it the fact that I will know longer be complete. Will I be less the Woman I was before now that I can not have babies. Maybe I should look at it as I am going to finally feel somewhat better.I'm just not sure how I am suppose to feel. Do I ever know how to feel about anything! I don't think I do, I think I am somewhat a Drama Queen, I really hate to say that about myself, but sometimes I just am. Once again it's just the way I work. When in all reality I should just kick back and take life as it comes, but know I have to over analyze EVERYTHING. I end up making things worse than they really are. I don't know why I do this, its not like I got a call last night, and was told that I was going to be put on a heart and lung bypass machine, NO I was told I need to have a hysterectomy, that's it, but here I am acting like it's the end of the world. I am also so mad at my mother's genes, I am being told that the reason I have endometrosis is because my Mom did as did her Mom, thanks Mom and grandma whats next diabetes, or better yet heart disease.I guess i should not think like that, but I do and I will. This is me, this is what I do obsess about everything, this is my OCD once again taking over as usual.Enough with the freaking out, my new outlook on life is now going to be positive. From today on I am going to remind myself about the positive out come of having this surgery. Lets see how this goes.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

Is beauty really in the eye of the beholder? Or is this just something that was made up by someone that feels they are ugly? Or I am I just pretty in my Boyfriend's eye's. I could go on and on with question's on this, but really should I just say thank you Babe, and take it that he see's me as Beautiful, but know I take it as he just settled for me so he has to say that. It's like when your a kid and your parent's think that your beautiful, and someone says they have to say that. When thinking about that, that sucks I don't want my man to feel he has to say that. He does not say alot nice things to me, I mean he is not mean to me, but it takes alot for him to just randomly say nice things to anyone. So when he says things like that to me I feel the need to question it. I don't know maybe this is just my warped way of thinking who know's? There is always that thought in my head did he do something wrong! I drive myself nuts sometimes, well really all the time. My mind goes round and round with out of this world thoughts. I used to like this about me, but the older I get the worse it gets. Maybe I'm a little OCD, actually I think I'm alot OCD if that makes any sense, and if doesnt it does to me. Guess you have to understand the way my mind works to actually understand me, maybe one day they will make a pill for me, but as of now the pills on the market do not work. Just a glimpse at the mind of me the Beauty in the eye of the beholder~

Everlasting Love

~Everlasting Love~
What is it about you?
That makes my stomach turn
My heart beat fast
My mouth curl
Is it your beautiful smile?
Your sexy lips
The sweetness of your voice
Or just what whisper me
The many things we had and shared
The sunsets
The candlelight dinners
Our passion and love
The ways we talked and laughed
Were only dreams before we met
Now turned into reality
How I wish this will last for eternity

~My Favorite Poem~

For this I know, it was not so long ago I met a captivating butterflyOn its journey by and by perched this butterfly on my windowsillBeautiful the butterfly to my eye brought a tear I dryEvery waking moment I tried to spend with my friend the butterfly for which I had fallenColors so great of interest I could relate to the magnificent butterflyDay in day out time without a doubt moments spent the striking butterflyMorning rendezvous I spent with you my gorgeous butterfly of love so trueAnything I would try for you I would die for my vivacious butterflyHaving you was paradise for things were so nice my delightful butterflyNever showing your true colors I loved you like no other enchanted butterflyTill that day it all went away for alterations came to the exuberant butterflyMetamorphosed and modify to the butterfly into a dragonflyWhere went my butterfly I asked why turn I to the dragonflyBuzzing at my ear without a care wisp the dragonflyMessages no longer conveying, nor in one place staying, dashed the dragonflyTime spent so rare but I still cared for the beautiful butterfly withinI saw less and less of the dragonfly busy so I cried for my transformed butterflyFit no longer like a pair of gloves for me the dragonfly no longer lovesPushed to the side arms open no longer wide I wept for the revolutionized butterflyTo hard to handle and to hard to control flew the amended dragonfly awayNo longer fluttering in the air, nor self aware, was my butterfly extraordinaireAnd in the end the dragonfly changed again into a furious polar bearLoss to time a love one of a kind, my stunning butterfly to the past was committedThis is a born sin for love I cannot win arrested dawn flew olden times gone byA lesson well learned that money should be earned my tantalizing butterfly of oldA butterfly is nothing more than a bug incapable of love my eccentric butterflySeparate paths now seeking of faith no longer believing my outrageous butterflyThese things I didn’t anticipate, nor could I relate, to rest went the troubled butterflyI sit now and ponder, from time to time I wonder, what went wrong with my lovely butterfly? Alone once again without my best friend, gone my love the butterflyNo more spellbound is the night, to the bear no more I shall fight for tomorrow as risen a newOn to the ever after for now gone is fun and laughter for my butterfly was nothing more than a mere dreamA vision at best, but it doesn’t mean I love you any less, for the day now draws to a silent slumber