~PAIN~

Every day starts with a crack How much I loathe my awful back!
It hurts when walking, driving, sleeping I'm tired of hurting, aching, weeping don't like pills or smelly lotion's don't believe in magic potions Instead I stretch and exercise But my back won't compromise!!!!!!!

ADDICTION

I hate addiction, my entire life I have had to deal with someone in my life that is so weak that they let something take ahold of them so hard that they give up everything for that drug, that drink, or money!

How can you have such a craving for something that is going to make you sick, I understand the high feeling, but what about the sick feeling that comes with it, what about the feeling of regret. Why would you wanna feel like that?

I do not feel sorry for any of these people. The only people I feel sorry for is the ones that they have hurt in thier path of destruction. Why would I take their feelings into consideration, were they taking our feelings into consideration when they were out doing thier thing, while we were sitting at home worring. Or when we were feeling thier punches in the side of our heads because we said the wrong things. No I will never feel sorry for them, nor will I want them to feel sorry for me if I ever decided to become a freak, beacuse that is what they are FREAKS!



I hate when addiction is called a disease, because its not it is a decision, and I do not care what anybody says. People with cancer do not get to chose if they get get sick to me this is a disease, your not asking for it your just struck with it. So why is it fair to say addiction is a disease. I understand that alot of the time people are self medicating themselves, but REALLY, goto the damn Dr's get the proper medication to help you feel better. Oh and I hate those people who say they can not afford to goto the Dr's, but oh boy oh howdy they sure can afford drugs and alcohol, and thats pretty pricey. WAKE THE F*#@k Up!!!



Being lied to is not a pleasant thing.Trusting in words that never come true.The deep hurtful pain it always brings.Not being able put my trust in you.
Words were never meant to be spokenNever meant to be carelessly hurled out.Promises made should never be broken.Do you comprehend what I am talking about?
I really hate being lied to!
Copyright 2008Pastor Reginald Levi Walker

Women????

Women! Do they make any sense at all? That's a big fat NO!!! I work in the office with 4 other women, and no one is ever satisfied! If one of us do better than the other there is always that one that gets mad.


Take today, we got some scores back and the two women that think thier (excuss my french) shit dont stink got the lowest score's. Now they are complaining that, that must be wrong. When in all reality we should all sit back and be proud of ourselves for the over all scores, I think we all did really good. We did good as a team and deserve a pat on all our backs! The two girls that sit right next to me have became really good friends of mind, and I consider them my friends even outside of work. Laura is younger she is in Nursing school, and is working her butt off trying to get through work and school. I find myself trying to help her while at work with phones or other duties when she is trying to study for big upcoming test, I want her to succeed with her nursing carrer, sometimes I look at her life and I think wait a minute that is the life I was suppose to have, I think of her as my little sister and I want her to have the world hanging by a string. I tell her all the time she should become and Dr she has the brains and the drive to do it, Or she should just be a lawyer beacuse she is so strong minded and boy can she argue but that is what makes her who she is. Cristina is one of the strongest women I know she has been through so much in her life, but she always has a smile on her face and a good attitude. Whatever is thrown her way she handles it and comes out on top. She is a cancer survivor and she goes on with her life as if she never went through all her hardships, If I had to pick someone to want to be like it would be Cristina, she is a stronge woman, If she has a want or a desire she goes for it, and makes sure she gets whatever it is she needs or wants. Both of these girls are awsome and I truely love them both.I consider them both my little sisters.
As for the other two woman, I'm not sure if they like to be miserable, or if their lifes are as bad as the seem to make them. They are both from the same small town that I was born and raised in, and people there seem to think differently than others. I don't know if this is the reason they are so hard to deal with. One of the girls is closer to my age, and we have kids that goto school together. I try sooo hard to be friends with her, I wait for her every morning before going into the office, but there is those times where for some reason she feels she is the boss and we all must do as she says, which ok if she was my boss I would but she is not so it makes it really hard to take her serious, I have gotten to the point I agree with her just to make her happy but in the long run it is driving me nuts. If I try to bring this up to her, I am always wrong and she is right so I let it go, and it never gets resolved. The other woman is older, she is in her late 5o's and is completely stuck in her ways. She complains about everything! She is always on the phone taking care of her personal life. She was confronted at one point by us but denied everything. Her main thing was she is going to blow us out of the water with her scores but in all reality the two girls that have been here the less amount time blew the two that have been here the longest out of the water

I guess this is one of those life lessons of what goes around comes around. I just wish that those two would try to ease back, calm down and take the day as it comes. This is not a competetion, we are all just here to get a pay check. I guess this is why people say they goto to work to work not make friends. I am just glad that even there is all this bullshit going on in this office, I made two wonderful friends and I know we will be life long friends.

~Love ya, Laura and Cristina~

~My New Dilemma~

I got a call from my Dr last night, and I have mixed feelings on how I should feel. Am I scared, should I be? Am I scared of the surgery, or is it the fact that I will know longer be complete. Will I be less the Woman I was before now that I can not have babies. Maybe I should look at it as I am going to finally feel somewhat better.I'm just not sure how I am suppose to feel. Do I ever know how to feel about anything! I don't think I do, I think I am somewhat a Drama Queen, I really hate to say that about myself, but sometimes I just am. Once again it's just the way I work. When in all reality I should just kick back and take life as it comes, but know I have to over analyze EVERYTHING. I end up making things worse than they really are. I don't know why I do this, its not like I got a call last night, and was told that I was going to be put on a heart and lung bypass machine, NO I was told I need to have a hysterectomy, that's it, but here I am acting like it's the end of the world. I am also so mad at my mother's genes, I am being told that the reason I have endometrosis is because my Mom did as did her Mom, thanks Mom and grandma whats next diabetes, or better yet heart disease.I guess i should not think like that, but I do and I will. This is me, this is what I do obsess about everything, this is my OCD once again taking over as usual.Enough with the freaking out, my new outlook on life is now going to be positive. From today on I am going to remind myself about the positive out come of having this surgery. Lets see how this goes.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

Is beauty really in the eye of the beholder? Or is this just something that was made up by someone that feels they are ugly? Or I am I just pretty in my Boyfriend's eye's. I could go on and on with question's on this, but really should I just say thank you Babe, and take it that he see's me as Beautiful, but know I take it as he just settled for me so he has to say that. It's like when your a kid and your parent's think that your beautiful, and someone says they have to say that. When thinking about that, that sucks I don't want my man to feel he has to say that. He does not say alot nice things to me, I mean he is not mean to me, but it takes alot for him to just randomly say nice things to anyone. So when he says things like that to me I feel the need to question it. I don't know maybe this is just my warped way of thinking who know's? There is always that thought in my head did he do something wrong! I drive myself nuts sometimes, well really all the time. My mind goes round and round with out of this world thoughts. I used to like this about me, but the older I get the worse it gets. Maybe I'm a little OCD, actually I think I'm alot OCD if that makes any sense, and if doesnt it does to me. Guess you have to understand the way my mind works to actually understand me, maybe one day they will make a pill for me, but as of now the pills on the market do not work. Just a glimpse at the mind of me the Beauty in the eye of the beholder~

Everlasting Love

~Everlasting Love~
What is it about you?
That makes my stomach turn
My heart beat fast
My mouth curl
Is it your beautiful smile?
Your sexy lips
The sweetness of your voice
Or just what whisper me
The many things we had and shared
The sunsets
The candlelight dinners
Our passion and love
The ways we talked and laughed
Were only dreams before we met
Now turned into reality
How I wish this will last for eternity

~My Favorite Poem~

For this I know, it was not so long ago I met a captivating butterflyOn its journey by and by perched this butterfly on my windowsillBeautiful the butterfly to my eye brought a tear I dryEvery waking moment I tried to spend with my friend the butterfly for which I had fallenColors so great of interest I could relate to the magnificent butterflyDay in day out time without a doubt moments spent the striking butterflyMorning rendezvous I spent with you my gorgeous butterfly of love so trueAnything I would try for you I would die for my vivacious butterflyHaving you was paradise for things were so nice my delightful butterflyNever showing your true colors I loved you like no other enchanted butterflyTill that day it all went away for alterations came to the exuberant butterflyMetamorphosed and modify to the butterfly into a dragonflyWhere went my butterfly I asked why turn I to the dragonflyBuzzing at my ear without a care wisp the dragonflyMessages no longer conveying, nor in one place staying, dashed the dragonflyTime spent so rare but I still cared for the beautiful butterfly withinI saw less and less of the dragonfly busy so I cried for my transformed butterflyFit no longer like a pair of gloves for me the dragonfly no longer lovesPushed to the side arms open no longer wide I wept for the revolutionized butterflyTo hard to handle and to hard to control flew the amended dragonfly awayNo longer fluttering in the air, nor self aware, was my butterfly extraordinaireAnd in the end the dragonfly changed again into a furious polar bearLoss to time a love one of a kind, my stunning butterfly to the past was committedThis is a born sin for love I cannot win arrested dawn flew olden times gone byA lesson well learned that money should be earned my tantalizing butterfly of oldA butterfly is nothing more than a bug incapable of love my eccentric butterflySeparate paths now seeking of faith no longer believing my outrageous butterflyThese things I didn’t anticipate, nor could I relate, to rest went the troubled butterflyI sit now and ponder, from time to time I wonder, what went wrong with my lovely butterfly? Alone once again without my best friend, gone my love the butterflyNo more spellbound is the night, to the bear no more I shall fight for tomorrow as risen a newOn to the ever after for now gone is fun and laughter for my butterfly was nothing more than a mere dreamA vision at best, but it doesn’t mean I love you any less, for the day now draws to a silent slumber